did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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