Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
