i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
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