Fuck appropriateness.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Randomize
