somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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