Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i wish my penis had a tongue
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
