vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
