Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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