so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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