i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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