dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
My boob is missing a layer of skin
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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