Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Randomize
