I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Randomize
