so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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