You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
