Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
