He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
