Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
