made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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