I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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