so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
