ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
