what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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