Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
