Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
Randomize
