What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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