Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Randomize
