so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
