I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
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