How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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