I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
Randomize
