Don't make out with my wife yet
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
