i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You ate ashes out of my bong
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
