I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Randomize
