I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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