I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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