I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Bts the comment you were making during that picture was "look we have penises"
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
