Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
