I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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