Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
