I'm so fucking centered right now
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
