And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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