she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
