I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He passed out mid-signature
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
