there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
How's work?
Spinning.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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