I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He had one of those small greek statue penises
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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