i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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