I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
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