Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
