i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
