grandma shit on top of the toilet
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Randomize
