If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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