She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
