he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Randomize
